


there were days of cold surrender

by TylahJayne



Category: Free!
Genre: Anxiety, Bad Coping Mechs, Depression, Good Coping Mechs, M/M, Other, Rei centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 08:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8365144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TylahJayne/pseuds/TylahJayne
Summary: You increase the distance of your morning runs, going faster and harder than you should be. You start forcing yourself out of beds on the days you can’t even summon a smile. You pull out your old makeup bag and start covering up the bags that build and build up under your eyes.





	

**Author's Note:**

> title and chapter title from Watsky songs, 'talking to myself' and 'stick to your guns' respectively. 
> 
> this is probably ooc to some extent bc this was written in the early morning. this is based off my own experiences with depression and anxiety

It’s ironic really, how dull and colourless your world can seem in contrast to the bright and vivid sites that other people seem to see. The unavoidable, anxious uncertainty that surrounds every decision spreads through your body like a wildfire in a dry, open plain. You’d laugh about it, if there wasn’t a knot blocking your throat and making it hard to talk, to breathe, to exist.

The rocks that settle in your stomach are an unwelcome old friend, and the ropes that tangle themselves around your limbs and throat and hold you down and hold you back are familiar in the worst way.

You had thought you’d finally gotten past this, finally moved on, but here you are. Stuck in bed, tied down by invisible ropes, and weighed down by the imaginary rocks in your stomach. The red, glowing numbers of the alarm clock to your left slowly change, seconds, minutes, hours slowly slipping by as you watch from your syrupy spaced out post.

Time seems to lose its meaning as the hopelessness and worthlessness washes over you. You sigh and blink slowly. Not having the energy to move, or even consider moving. Days like these were rare, as you chose more often than not to work through the phases of your depressive cycle, with your fake smile and overly dramatic mask that you’d carefully created.

Some days, though, it’s just all too much, and the idea of existing in a public space makes you sick enough to ignore your usually strictly enforced schedule. The others teased you about it, but it was the only way that you could force yourself out of bed because if you could follow a schedule it’s an accomplishment and you aren’t useless like the small voice in the back of your head insists every single day.

The number of days you can’t force yourself out of bed in a month is increasing at an alarming rate. It's meant to be quiet, days that slip from people’s minds and they can’t remember that you weren’t there at all.

It’s not a quiet affair anymore, though, not since you joined the swimming club. Every day you’re not at school is extensively questioned and every group outing missed is another session of Nagisa’s questions. You try to convince yourself that the swim club isn’t the reason you’re falling back into the tighter version of your cycles, instead of the more relaxed, controllable cycles that you’d finally trained yourself into with schedules and power of will.

It’s a stupid endeavour because the real reason is at the forefront of your mind every stupid second of every day. Your anxiety has instilled the fact that you are a replacement into every pore of your being, and no matter how much you try and to convince yourself otherwise, it doesn’t work.

Rin will always be a part of their lives, and you’re the outsider, the piece of the puzzle that doesn’t quite fit right but will do anyways because there isn’t a better alternative. It’s a bad mentality to have, but you can’t seem to stop coming back to it. It’s the little things, the things that normal people would miss, but you aren’t normal.

You watch and observe, you read their body language, and change yours to match. You read the expressions on their faces, the way their eyes light up when they’re around him, and the way his always seem to stray to your frame in a mixture of distaste and hesitancy.

You withdraw, slowly and steady, but messily because you don’t have the energy or will to be subtle. The joy fades from swimming, but you throw yourself into it when you have the energy. It’s a coping mechanism. You throw yourself into things to stop from thinking and having to deal with things. Swimming is an out, it’s the only out you have from the overwhelming depression that doesn’t seem to stop building and spreading through your body.

You increase the distance of your morning runs, going faster and harder than you should be. You start forcing yourself out of beds on the days you can’t even summon a smile. You pull out your old makeup bag and start covering up the bags that build and build up under your eyes.

You don’t know if the others notice, you’re too far gone to do anything but go through the motions, carrying conversations without even noticing. Your grades slip, you brush it off. It’s not anything that hasn’t happened before. When you first entered high school it was the worst. You’d fluctuate from failing every class to being on top. If the news that your grades were slipping reached your mother she’d understand.

Time passed, you lost track of the days, each blending into each other in a mess of running until you threw up and being an emotionless shell, that was a lie to you suppose, there were too many emotions running through your head constantly.

You were pulled up by Haru one day, and the pair of you stood there. He gripped your wrist tightly, not letting you pull away, and when you both seemed to be on the same page, he tugged lightly. You conceded to the pressure and followed without arguing.

Neither of you said a word as he led you through the streets, and seemingly towards the ocean. It made sense, you guess, trying to break through the syrupy sickness that clouded your mind when you fell into a slump. It took nearly the whole walk, but you managed to surface from the weeks of built up mess in your head.

He hadn’t let go of your wrist, but his grip has lessened. You arrived at the beach, and he sat down on the step. You took the hint and sat beside him. It was quiet for a few minutes, but you spoke up, slightly confused about why he has dragged you here. “So, was there anything you needed? Or was this just.” You stopped partway through you sentence, not quite sure about what you were going to say in the first place. 

“You’ve been different lately. Withdrawn, empty. I’m worried, Nagisa’s worried, Makoto’s worried, Rin’s worried. Hell, even Gou’s worried. Talk to me Rei, tell me what’s wrong.” He said quietly, turning half way to grip your chin and turn you to him, looking you dead in the eyes.

You contemplate for a few seconds, before realising a few things; that you need to talk, to tell someone, that out of all your friends, Haru was the one you could count on to let you talk and not look at you with pity in his eyes.

“I struggle with anxiety and depression. It’s gotten bad lately to an unmanageable degree. Recently I just haven’t been able to do anything. It’s a part of the cycle I’ve come to deal with. I fall into a trance, and just, stop thinking,” You pause for a moment, collecting your thoughts, and figured out what you wanted to volunteer.

“I don’t feel like I’m enough anymore, it’s like there’s no spot for me now that you’ve gotten Rin back, and I fixated on that thought to an unhealthy degree, and now here I am. I know it’s stupid, but I’ve always had the thought that I was only a replacement for Rin in the back of my head, and it doesn’t go away.” You confided in Haru like you had before you’d fallen into this, slump.

You tugged your chin out of his hand and curled up next to him, your head positioned between your knees as your eyes began to water. “It’s kind of pathetic isn’t it, letting a stupid thought like that throw me back into my old ways. Over time, though, it just seems so reasonable, you start to create fake evidence that stacks up, higher and higher till you’re alone and surrounded by silence and nothing and it’s so lonely.”

To Haru’s credit, he does nothing but throws his arm around you and pull you into your side as you cry. It's ugly and disgusting but it’s what you needed, for someone to just let you cry and not judge every single word that comes out of your mouth

“I won’t tell the others if you don’t want me to,” is all Haru says, and it almost makes you burst into another set of ugly tears. It makes your chest constrict that he knew you well enough to be able to pick up your thoughts from the scrambled piles that they were and sooth you with just a few words.

 You nod, removing your head from its post, and leant into him. He was warm, in a way that you’d forgotten people could be.

“I think Rin knows what’s going on with you, though. Talk to him, I think he’s gone through something similar, and he cares about you Rei, in a way that’s so much different than the way he cares about us. You were never a replacement, we never thought of you like that, though I can see where you could pick up that thought.” Haru says, watching you from the corner of his eye, smiling softly at you. “We’re here for you, no matter what, and we’ll help you through this. You deserve that, and so much more, because you’ve given us so much, and we love you no matter what happens. Okay?”

 


End file.
